Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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