Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
