I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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