and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
