How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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