So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
