i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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