I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
