Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
