i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
