I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
