He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
