I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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