If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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