you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
