Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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