I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
