The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
