I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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