i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
