Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
birth control should be required to get into college
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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