u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Houston, we have a squirter
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
