I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
