I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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