The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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