I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
