i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
