I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
