Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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