So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
