If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
