you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
