i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
