My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
