there's paper in my vomit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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