YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
