I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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