If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize