Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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