it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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