and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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