from now on my penis is your penis
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
