No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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