My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
