I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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