Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found puke in my bra..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
