Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
