She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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