After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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