Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize
