It's like a parade of train wrecks.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
