Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
time to smoke my breakfast
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
