There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
