I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
