does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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