I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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