I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
