I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
