We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
