How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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