she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
